lunacies et al

this weekend my friend fiona frantically called me up while i am still at work. she asked me where jv is, i even thought she’s making a prank coz she knows about mike’s intel regarding jv’s whereabouts. i told her that he’s in a tour-of-duty in liberia, coz that’s what mike said. she answered me, "no, he’s here."

i am rooted on the spot. beads of sweat began forming on my temples and above my upper lip. i felt goosebumps, nausea and tension. what’s he doing here?!!! is it for real? did mike fail on his intel?

fiona told me he saw a soldier at the dmst compound where we stay. talkative as she is, she asked the guy if he’s from the air force, that having seen the shoulder patch. he said yes, he is from the air force and that he’s datailed at the general headquarters. fiona even told him that her husband is also at the ghq, though her husband is with the army. then the soldier said, "please say hi to janine for me."

so fiona asked her who he is. he said it’s jv. fiona was so shocked that she became both tactless and careless. she asked for his number, even telling him that i’ve been looking for him the the longest time. but he said he doesn’t have a mobile phone anymore.

so fiona called me up to tell me the story. i called up major samante to verify if jv indeed is in UP that day. he answered affirmatively, and even added that jv’s been asking about me. next i called on mike to tell him he failed on his intel - that jv isn’t in africa after all.

that night i couldn’t sleep…though jv’s always been on my mind, this time it’s different. i’m wondering how absurd it is to even think about someone who i thought was a million miles away and yet he was really so near. how absurd to even imagine how i would behave come the time i’ll meet him again and yet he was just here all the time. how absurd to constantly imagine myself cuddling with him yet i know it’s next to impossible…

i am having second thoughts as to how i would think about the recent events. should i go and look for him at the ghq? should i just wait for him to reappear at the dmst complex? should i go an extra mile to find ways to communicate with him again?

i am at a crossroad…i really want, even dying, to meet jv again - to hug and hold him tight. but i know it’s just not possible. the fact that he didn’t even have a cellphone means his girlfriend has put him in strict censorship.

am looking forward talking to him - to discuss so many things that’s been bugging me about our friendship…no matter what happens, he’ll always be a part of me.

my heart still is and will be for jv…    

since the later half of june i haven’t had any communication with jv…he told me he’s going to change his mobile service provider, i even taunted him about changing numbers without letting me know…when i can’t reach him through his old number i thought that maybe he indeed changed numbers and that he just didn’t have the damn to let me know about it.

i thought maybe he just wanted me out of his life…

so much has happened since the day i lost contact with jv…while i’ve been spending much of my time with other people, jv would always be popping in and out of my thoughts. i just can’t get him out of my mind. maybe i wanted closure…maybe i wanted to see him again…maybe i simply missed him…

i asked my friend mike to search for him, after all they both belong to the philippine air force. true enough, though risky, mike was able to access information about jv for me…at first he was transfered to batangas, a "very dangerous combat area," as mike puts it…a couple of weeks later i was told that jv is part of the philippine mission to liberia…

i couldnt control my tears, they just kept on falling the moment i learned about jv’s fate…so many questions linger on my mind. no matter how much i think about it, i just can’t understand why jv kept those details from me…

i would have understood…after all we were friends. he knew of my feelings for him, but we kept the friendship.

then again, maybe i wouldn’t understand…reality bites…

i can feel this void, as though everything just lost their sense…i can’t even feel my own existence, numbed by the pain and disbelief that all these are happening to me…

i am missing jv…terribly…

just realized how unfair life is -

that being true isn’t a guarantee that people around would also be true…

that being helpful doesn’t mean people around would also be helpful…

that being considerate doesn’t mean people around would do the same…

that falling for someone doesn’t mean he’ll also fall…

no matter how much effort is given,

no matter how much time is spent,

no matter how much love is shared…

sometimes i wish i’d be indifferent -

then i won’t feel hurt

nor betrayed

nor rejected…

but i am human -

therefore i feel

therefore i love

even if it means not being loved in return.

it’s my birth anniversary today.big deal.i am supposed to be happy, but i don’t feel anything right now…

still i’m glad for all the blessings i’ve been enjoying all these years…my family, though not that vocal about how we feel towards each other, will always be there for me…am glad that dad and i are finally getting in touch…my friends who never fail to remember this day, am truly overwhelmed by the greetings i received today, and the day isn’t over yet…while some weren’t able to greet me through sms, still they made an effort to greet me online…

but i still feel this void…am actually looking forward spending time with jovy…though we were able to talk on the phone this morning, still i feel and i know that we will never be the way i wanted us to be…even if i really wanted to be with him on this supposedly special day, it’s just impossible…

feeling that there’s this vacuum in me…i really should move on…this birthday would be the start of a new me…

should really get it right this time…one hit!

there’s a saying old says that love is blind

still we’re often told seek and you shall find

so i’m gonna seek a certain lad i’ve had in mind.

lookin’ everywhere, haven’t found him yet

he’s the big affair i cannot forget

only man i ever think of with regret…

i’d like to add his initials to my monogram

tell me where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?

there’s a somebody i’m longing to see

i hope that he turns out to be someone who’ll watch over me…

i’m a little lamb who’s lost in the wood

i know i could always be good to one who’ll watch over me…

although he may not be the man some girls think of as handsome

to my heart he carries the key…

won’t you tell him to please put on some speed

and follow my lead, oh how i need

someone to watch over me…

just when i thought that finally i met the ONE then came the most painful truth i dread to know - that friends are all we ever could be.

for the past weeks i’ve been living in 7th heaven simply because i thought he’s the guy for me… so much for this incredibly sweet and funny guy… while we’ve been going out on dates, exchanging sweet messages and stuff, never did it occured to me that all were too good to be true… as if i’ve just been given a preview of the type of relationship i’ve been longing for… teasers… i never thought that everything’s gonna end so soon…

found out he’s already in a relationship… stupid guy, he’s a perfect candidate for the military’s concealment corps… really good at keeping important details… or he could be part of intelligence services… really good at lies…

is keeping the truth a form of lying? though he didn’t outrightly lied to me, he did concealed the truth… which makes me hurt more… this week i’ve been both a physical (i’ve had the flu) and emotional wreck… so much emotions that i couldn’t even cry… i know i don’t deserve any of this emotional trash… i’ve been honest from day one and he knew it!

i asked him why he kept the truth from me… he said i didn’t ask… stupidity…

total wreck… am in need of an overhaul, pronto!

now i’m thinking that maybe i have a penchant for men in uniform. ex is in the army, so is luck… though i never really had the chance to reconcile with ex, and i also didn’t have the guts to let luck know i liked him… things have turned a hundred and eighty degrees… i no longer hope for reconciliation with ex… and i no longer like luck… just like that. so simple.

a friend once sent me a message which said that letting go and giving up are two different things - that letting go is sacrificing what is rightfully yours and that giving up is forgetting what is never yours… exactly what i did… i let go of ex and i gave up on luck…

but as fate would have it, i got to know someone who not only fits into my ideals but also jives with my stubborness… not that i’m saying that he’s stubborn… he simply knows how to handle my eccentricities. did i even mention that he’s also a man in uniform? well, he is from the air force, even higher in rank than ex and luck.

it feels good to finally let go of all unrequitted feelings i’ve been keeping all this time… i’m truly glad to have met this incredibly funny and sweet guy… though through all those painful episodes of my life trying to figure out my feeling towards ex and luck, i can finally say that those made me a stronger person and that i am free!!!

dilemma. i am so bothered with what i feel towards Luck. as if each day makes me fall for him more. each stolen glance makes my heart leap a mile. every single moment spent with him makes me feel warm all throughout.

i am such a hypocrite. i know for a fact that he doesn’t like me (but only as a friend), and he won’t like me. i am just not his type. but my thoughts and my dreams are so full of hope and desperation that he, indeed, feels something towards me, too. i dream of happy times together and whatnot.

no assumptions, definitely. it would only make my heart ache more. it’s good that i am finally letting go of all feelings towards ex, only to be repleced by those i have for luck. such a confusing state of self.

i always said that whoever should love me accept me - for who i am, how i act and how i look. no matter how vulgar i am, how fat i become, then he should accept me for being me. but in my desperate attempt to make him notice me, i find myself cutting on all binges - cigarettes, alcohol and food. i’ve also been making extra effort to look nice.

it’s been a difficult week. i am already having troubles concealing my intentions. in the end i know i’m gonna be hurt again. this feeling of slowly falling for someone is something i haven’t felt in a very long time. i am slowly slipping into my own doom.

all i know is that i feel good whenever i am with him- all because he makes me feel accepted and appreciated.

i am really needing professional help. i’m beginning to be a crazy hypocrite.

lately i’ve been having second thought as to how to approach Luck…our friends have started to notice how taken i am of Luck and have started teasing me (us) about it…i can’t help but feel paranoid - that thru teasing he’ll realize that i am indeed feeling something towards him…

i am guilty. i am paranoid. feeling uneasy would definitely be a dead giveaway of my intentions. should i dismiss their taunts, then they would just go on and tease me…if i just let them do that, then i wouldn’t hear the end of it…there’s no other way…

i don’t like him to know of my feelings…i don’t want to feel uneasy towards him knowing that he already knows that i love him…i don’t want to lose the friendship…

i’ve noticed that lately he rarely approaches me , unless there is something pressing that needs to be discussed…he doesn’t even send messages as often as before…maybe he already knows…maybe he’s simply avoiding me ‘coz he got pissed off with the taunts about us…maybe he just doesn’t care…maybe he just won’t give a damn…

or maybe i am really being paranoid…

my head is currently spinning and i can’t seem to even type one decent word without committing spelling mistakes. i am drunk. period. i’ve had too much share of booze.

it doesn’t matter, though. i’m simply happy coz i got to spend a little time with Luck. can’t pretend that i’m a little too eager to spend the night with him. doesn’t matter if i’m trying all my might to stay sane and finish this blog. it doesn’t matter if he’s just sitting beside me typing his paper..

i’m really lovin’ this…