lunacies et al

dilemma. i am so bothered with what i feel towards Luck. as if each day makes me fall for him more. each stolen glance makes my heart leap a mile. every single moment spent with him makes me feel warm all throughout.

i am such a hypocrite. i know for a fact that he doesn’t like me (but only as a friend), and he won’t like me. i am just not his type. but my thoughts and my dreams are so full of hope and desperation that he, indeed, feels something towards me, too. i dream of happy times together and whatnot.

no assumptions, definitely. it would only make my heart ache more. it’s good that i am finally letting go of all feelings towards ex, only to be repleced by those i have for luck. such a confusing state of self.

i always said that whoever should love me accept me - for who i am, how i act and how i look. no matter how vulgar i am, how fat i become, then he should accept me for being me. but in my desperate attempt to make him notice me, i find myself cutting on all binges - cigarettes, alcohol and food. i’ve also been making extra effort to look nice.

it’s been a difficult week. i am already having troubles concealing my intentions. in the end i know i’m gonna be hurt again. this feeling of slowly falling for someone is something i haven’t felt in a very long time. i am slowly slipping into my own doom.

all i know is that i feel good whenever i am with him- all because he makes me feel accepted and appreciated.

i am really needing professional help. i’m beginning to be a crazy hypocrite.

lately i’ve been having second thought as to how to approach Luck…our friends have started to notice how taken i am of Luck and have started teasing me (us) about it…i can’t help but feel paranoid - that thru teasing he’ll realize that i am indeed feeling something towards him…

i am guilty. i am paranoid. feeling uneasy would definitely be a dead giveaway of my intentions. should i dismiss their taunts, then they would just go on and tease me…if i just let them do that, then i wouldn’t hear the end of it…there’s no other way…

i don’t like him to know of my feelings…i don’t want to feel uneasy towards him knowing that he already knows that i love him…i don’t want to lose the friendship…

i’ve noticed that lately he rarely approaches me , unless there is something pressing that needs to be discussed…he doesn’t even send messages as often as before…maybe he already knows…maybe he’s simply avoiding me ‘coz he got pissed off with the taunts about us…maybe he just doesn’t care…maybe he just won’t give a damn…

or maybe i am really being paranoid…